OLDBIE:
I am the very model of an Oldbie on the Internet,
I've information-overloaded IRC on Alternet,
I know the FAQs of Spafford, and I quote the flamers netiquette
From MIT to Waterloo, there's no account I've paid for yet;

I'm very well acquainted, too, with RFCs about the net,
I understand the protocols, both simple and most intricate,
Matters of the World Wide Web are well within my informed views,
With many cheerful tips about anonymous-crossposting news.

ALL:
With many cheerful tips about anonymous-crossposting news.

OLDBIE:
I'm very good at hand-to-eye and manual dexterity;
I know three-letter-acronymns of dazzling complexity:
In short, I info-overload in IRC on Alternet,
I am the very model of an Oldbie on the Internet.

ALL:
In short, he info-overloads in IRC on Alternet,
He is the very model of an Oldbie on the Internet.

OLDBIE:
I know our mythic history, the Cabal's, Roger Carasso's;
I answer as the Oracle, I metakillfile all the assholes,
I quote the FAQ's of usenet kooks about the crimes against the Turks,
In t-dot-b I parley with notorious X-Industrialists;

I can tell a Laurence post from Boursey spam and Voisine bounce,
I know the moderator of comp.infosystems-three-W's-announce!
Then, I can forge a cancel from Chris Lewis just to cause a spat,
And quote daft constitutions from that infernal idiot Allisat.

ALL:
And quote daft constitutions from that infernal idiot Allisat.

OLDBIE:
Then I can put a webpage up on recompiling BSD,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Mitch Kapor's life since 1-2-3;
In short, I info-overload in IRC on Alternet,
I am the very model of an Oldbie on the Internet.

ALL:
In short, he info-overloads in IRC on Alternet,
He is the very model of an Oldbie on the Internet.

OLDBIE:
In fact, when I know what is meant by "understate" and "elegant",
When I can tell at sight a working toothbrush from an elephant,
When such affairs as proper dress and hygiene I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "you're recalcitant",

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern pleasantry,
When I know more of kissing than a novice in a nunnery --
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental humanity,
You'll say a better net-Oldbie has never had IP.

ALL:
You'll say a better net-Oldbie has never had IP.

OLDBIE:
For my technical awareness, though I'm cranky and contrary,
Has little chance of lasting past the turning of the century;
But still, I info-overload in IRC on Alternet,
I am the very model of an Oldbie on the Internet.

ALL:
But still, he info-overloads in IRC on Alternet,
He is the very model of an Oldbie on the Internet.

OLDBIE:
And now that I've introduced myself,
I should like to have some idea of what the topic is.